Two Texts

Bryan Coffelt

BULLSHIT DANE COOK DRAGON

I am drinking wine and thinking about a girl who got hit by a car near my apartment and died today. I am thinking about what that means exactly. I am thinking about sleep paralysis and how scary it is to be awake and not able to move or talk. My friends don't invite me when they go somewhere. I am basically a dragon. I am a hollow dragon that is starting to get filled with rich chocolate Ovaltine and demeaning pornography. I can't breathe fire. I have to re-spackle parts of walls in my apartment because I don't want to pay for damage.

There is a man with a gun here to hunt me down because he thinks I have treasure so he puts a .357 magnum to my dragon head and says, "Give me the treasure you rape dragon." He blows my dragon head off and the bullet goes through my wall and kills my neighbor and then it goes through his neighbor head and kills the next neighbor and it goes through his neighbor head and kills the next neighbor and then it goes through his neighbor head and out his window and hits a tree. The tree is full of treasure. Someone has to re-spackle every apartment on the top floor of the apartment building.

Our Bodies are Cheap Real Estate

Everyone is talking about the old roads, the good roads.
Everyone's all, "Yeah, yeah, Fellini." Yeah, huh. This
generation is the Ass To Mouth Generation. That's because
our bodies are cheap real estate and no one should leave Dean
in charge of grandma's house. Who thought that was a good idea?
Um, the leaves are coming back soon, does anyone wanna krump
with me? I'll be outside. Oh, angular Texas. Someone forgot it.
How can we all be expected to fit in this contraption. This is
unreliability at its finest. The boys are doing Oxy again. Off
the teeter-totter? By the bird's nest? No? Do that thing again
with your vocal cords. The talking things. Deemed hereafter
"social networking." It's a little like watching people
publicly degrade their children. Alec Baldwin. Dresser drawers
emptied. Void of pizzazz. They have closed the road due to an
overturned wigwam. Someone had it in the back of their F-150.
It was shoddily constructed. It had a family in it.