instances of loneliness and panic expressed in comma spliced paragraphs

Gena Mohwish

*

the sky is grey and my hands are numb, i wish you could hold them right now, i think you are wishing that too, it is possible that you might have forgotten about me though, i am easy to forget about, i am walking through a swarm of detached teens, however some may not be detached at all, some may be in heat but i'm not sure, i am thinking and walking, the feeling is beginning again, i cannot do a thing, i do not know how to cope, please help me cope, i am going to keep walking, i am feeling afraid, i am feeling my chest collapse, i am feeling nothing, i am feeling like nothing, i cannot keep walking anymore.


**

the dog is barking outside in the cold, i am standing in the hall with a knife, i am carving absent-mindedly into the wall waiting for my fight-or-flight response to take effect, it is 1:42 am, there is a slit of light seeping through the living room window, what is it about the absence of light that unnerves people, what is it about the absence of emotion that panics people, what is it about the absence of anything that scares people, i have to sit down now, it is near the window in my room, it is i swear to you, i am not dreaming, i am not content with not dreaming right now, i want to sleep, my heart is beating, i cannot move, i need to live, i need to live, i need to live.


***

my eyes are closed, i feel like there is an extreme distance between my eyes and my eyelids, the room is black except for my digital clock that displays 2:27 am, that is a lie, it is not 2:27 am, it is the time that should not exist, i am lying in bed, i am in my safe place, i am ignoring what you are saying in my ear, i keep asking you but you won’t answer, please answer, what if my questions will never be answered, my thoughts are swallowing me, can you hear my irregular breathing?


****

i told you, "there is a sense of loneliness in everyone that doesn't diminish ever", i think that scared you a little, it scared me to say it, i am telling you these words now, the loneliness will not leave, it will not go, not even if you stab it or punch it or love it or accept it, it will not leave, you will be afraid, are you afraid yet, please do not hate me for this, i am just telling you what i have come to know.


*****

there is little left here, i do not want us to die, there is no possible way we will be together, i cannot handle that thought, my brain will not function properly, there is no reason to describe anything, i cannot stay here, when the images begin to blur, please stay here with me.