Objective Reportage

"Ptim Callan, my God I wish I had a dime for everything I've learned from that man."
- B. Gates, computer guy

"And Callan said to me, 'Don't you see, this helical structure here is the one you're looking for. That's the one with all the genetic material.'"
- J. Watson, noted womanizer

"I gotta admit, the Miller's Tale was Ptim Callan's idea."
- G. Chaucer, dead writer

"Oh, Ptim Callan. What a hunk!"
- M. Monroe, presidential sweetie pie

"Two thumbs up."
- G. Siskel and R. Ebert, critical duo

"Anathema . . . engrossing . . . pugilistic . . . cycatrix . . . bloated toe . . . N-dimensional map . . . bleeding sores . . . so ascetic you could lose yer fucking lunch right there in the entrance hall . . . screwing the boss's daughter . . . kind of a bluish green."
- M. Jordan, failed baseball player

"Yeah, he shot my dog. If I ever see that son of a bitch again, I'll take a knife to him. My wife can't wear any of her shoes now."
- J. Carter, housebuilder

"Oh, Ptim Callan. What a hunk!"
- E. Taylor, multi-married actress

"I just hope that some day I can be as admirable as Ptim Callan is."
- J. Christ, religious fanatic

"I especially like it when he puts on his leather mini-skirt with the zipper up the front."
- C. Parker, horn blower

"I don't like his drawings. I feel they are flacid. I use them for bathroom paper."
- P. Picasso, arrogant ass

"I have known Ptim Callan for the past thirty-five years, and in that time I can doubtlessly say that he has always been upright and decent, a protector of family values."
- L. Flint, publisher

"I pledge allegance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
- G. Morgan, brainwashed pupil

"Oh, Ptim Callan. What a hunk!"
- J. Paul II, pontiff

"Ziggy played guitar, jamming good with Weird and Gilley and the Spiders from Mars. He played it left hand."
- D. Bowie, NFL Hall-of-Famer

"i especially like it when he wears the black rubber suit"
- W. Burger, supremely just Supreme Court justice

"It's widely known that Ptim Callan actually discovered the polio vaccine and I just grabbed all the glory."
- J. Salk, grandstanding traitor

"I'd trust Ptim Callan with my nympho wife any day."
- J. Falwell, TV zealot

"Next we have a very funny young man, a funny young man. Kind of a young turk. Please welcome Ptim Callan."
- J. Carson, Cavettesque media tyrant

"I remember he used to eat bugs. That kid wasn't right."
- J. Callan, authorial parent

"If is the middle word in wife."
- N. Mailer, bigot

"A noble spirit, a man of letters, a visionary, poet, soldier, humanitarian, and I really like it when he wears the leather miniskirt with the zipper up the front."
- A. Nobel, explosives expert

"Fucker. Asshole. Goddamn bucket of puss. Spit in your eye. Staple things to my own flesh. Jesus. Shithead. Stupid moron dumbshit afterbirth dandruffy syphillitic cocksucker. Sucker of cocks. Swollen hemorroids. Big giant uncircumcised prick. Fuck."
- P. Callan, humble self