StaircaseStudies
Ryan Ridge
STAIRWAYS––STAIRMASTERS––BANISTERS––TWELVE STEPS––LANDINGS
There are multiple ways to use Stairs. This is why we call them Stairways.
Stairways
A Stairway is a metaphor for life, but life is not a metaphor for a Stairway. That
would be dumb. Stairways (AKA “Enemies of Infants & Elderly”) are vertical
bridges found in American Homes. Usually consisting of twelve steps (See:
Twelve Steps), Stairways are the most common routes between two Floors.
Certain types of American Homeowners skip Steps when traversing Stairways.
Others take them one at a time. Typically, when an American Homeowner is
British they will refer to a “Stairway” as a “Staircase”. According to the Nu
American Center for Statistical Analysis (NACSA), thirteen percent of American
parents have installed Riot Stairs in their American Homes in case a teenage riot
breaks out unexpectedly.
NOTE: Sometimes Stairs take flight. Flying Stairs are referred to as Elevators and
are rarely found in American Homes.
Stairmasters
Stairmastery is an American fraternal society that arose from the ashes of
American Folk Homes (See: Wood-Frame Guthries). Founded on Avant-garde
architectural principles, Stairmasters abide the motto: The higher the American
Home, the closer the American Homeowner is to God. Hence Stairmasters
advocate Stairways in every member’s American Home, regardless of
functionality. They also advocate drugs. One of Stairmastery’s most controversial
initiation rituals is called “The Solo Stairway to Heaven” in which the blindfolded
initiate walks up a flight of Stairs masturbating while listening to a six minute
Jimmy Page guitar solo. The initiate is then required to come on the Landing
(See: Landings) and to refrain from touching the Banister (See: Bannisters).
from The Anatomy of American Homes
Banisters
To think I spent my youth mistaking Banisters for rides. It wasn’t until I grew up
and joined a support group that I realized Banisters were there for support.
Twelve Steps
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
Landings
Stairmasters shape Stairs to deviate from the deafness spoken in the wind.
Invitations. Incantations. Spells. As the downstairs builds up and the upstairs
stares down. And unknowingly, the sound of feet. On Landings. The elderly
tumbling from reckless flights. Toward landings. Photographs of teenagers on
prom night. And the deviations from the deafness spoken in the wind. On
Landings. Toward Landings. LANDINGS (AKA “Crash Pads”) are the end results
of Stairs you thought would probably never end.
There are multiple ways to use Stairs. This is why we call them Stairways.
Stairways
A Stairway is a metaphor for life, but life is not a metaphor for a Stairway. That
would be dumb. Stairways (AKA “Enemies of Infants & Elderly”) are vertical
bridges found in American Homes. Usually consisting of twelve steps (See:
Twelve Steps), Stairways are the most common routes between two Floors.
Certain types of American Homeowners skip Steps when traversing Stairways.
Others take them one at a time. Typically, when an American Homeowner is
British they will refer to a “Stairway” as a “Staircase”. According to the Nu
American Center for Statistical Analysis (NACSA), thirteen percent of American
parents have installed Riot Stairs in their American Homes in case a teenage riot
breaks out unexpectedly.
NOTE: Sometimes Stairs take flight. Flying Stairs are referred to as Elevators and
are rarely found in American Homes.
Stairmasters
Stairmastery is an American fraternal society that arose from the ashes of
American Folk Homes (See: Wood-Frame Guthries). Founded on Avant-garde
architectural principles, Stairmasters abide the motto: The higher the American
Home, the closer the American Homeowner is to God. Hence Stairmasters
advocate Stairways in every member’s American Home, regardless of
functionality. They also advocate drugs. One of Stairmastery’s most controversial
initiation rituals is called “The Solo Stairway to Heaven” in which the blindfolded
initiate walks up a flight of Stairs masturbating while listening to a six minute
Jimmy Page guitar solo. The initiate is then required to come on the Landing
(See: Landings) and to refrain from touching the Banister (See: Bannisters).
from The Anatomy of American Homes
Banisters
To think I spent my youth mistaking Banisters for rides. It wasn’t until I grew up
and joined a support group that I realized Banisters were there for support.
Twelve Steps
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
Landings
Stairmasters shape Stairs to deviate from the deafness spoken in the wind.
Invitations. Incantations. Spells. As the downstairs builds up and the upstairs
stares down. And unknowingly, the sound of feet. On Landings. The elderly
tumbling from reckless flights. Toward landings. Photographs of teenagers on
prom night. And the deviations from the deafness spoken in the wind. On
Landings. Toward Landings. LANDINGS (AKA “Crash Pads”) are the end results
of Stairs you thought would probably never end.
Stairways
A Stairway is a metaphor for life, but life is not a metaphor for a Stairway. That
would be dumb. Stairways (AKA “Enemies of Infants & Elderly”) are vertical
bridges found in American Homes. Usually consisting of twelve steps (See:
Twelve Steps), Stairways are the most common routes between two Floors.
Certain types of American Homeowners skip Steps when traversing Stairways.
Others take them one at a time. Typically, when an American Homeowner is
British they will refer to a “Stairway” as a “Staircase”. According to the Nu
American Center for Statistical Analysis (NACSA), thirteen percent of American
parents have installed Riot Stairs in their American Homes in case a teenage riot
breaks out unexpectedly.
NOTE: Sometimes Stairs take flight. Flying Stairs are referred to as Elevators and
are rarely found in American Homes.
Stairmasters
Stairmastery is an American fraternal society that arose from the ashes of
American Folk Homes (See: Wood-Frame Guthries). Founded on Avant-garde
architectural principles, Stairmasters abide the motto: The higher the American
Home, the closer the American Homeowner is to God. Hence Stairmasters
advocate Stairways in every member’s American Home, regardless of
functionality. They also advocate drugs. One of Stairmastery’s most controversial
initiation rituals is called “The Solo Stairway to Heaven” in which the blindfolded
initiate walks up a flight of Stairs masturbating while listening to a six minute
Jimmy Page guitar solo. The initiate is then required to come on the Landing
(See: Landings) and to refrain from touching the Banister (See: Bannisters).
from The Anatomy of American Homes
Banisters
To think I spent my youth mistaking Banisters for rides. It wasn’t until I grew up
and joined a support group that I realized Banisters were there for support.
Twelve Steps
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
Landings
Stairmasters shape Stairs to deviate from the deafness spoken in the wind.
Invitations. Incantations. Spells. As the downstairs builds up and the upstairs
stares down. And unknowingly, the sound of feet. On Landings. The elderly
tumbling from reckless flights. Toward landings. Photographs of teenagers on
prom night. And the deviations from the deafness spoken in the wind. On
Landings. Toward Landings. LANDINGS (AKA “Crash Pads”) are the end results
of Stairs you thought would probably never end.